Everynobody.com

. . . the news this week? I thought there was shit going on in the world worth covering, but apparently the battles waged over Paula Abdul’s vaginal crevice are more important than closing Iraqi’s gaps in intelligence. Well, you know what? People do die at Disneyland, even if they cart of the corpses to be pronounced dead off-property (including an early and wicked skull/spine fracture in 1964 and a decent stabbing in 1981). I am going to offer some news to everyone in the manner that it should be presented.

Nah. Fuck it. I’m not really a journalist. I’ll just not rock the boat. So, here is the news people care about in a decent UP and DOWN format!

Al Swearengen (UP)
Not the actually, long dead historical figure, or Ian McShane the actor who portrays him on HBO’s almost too hot for it’s 19th century britches Deadwood. No, I mean Al Swearengen the fictional character, as he appears on this hit television show. I have long believed that my biological father was an imposter and now I know that he is indeed a fake. My real father must own a whore house, on a dramatic televised series. I do understand how illogical that sounds, but bear with me. I need this folks. This guy gets cooler every week and this past week he assumed his rightful place as the senior male figure in my life. Totally blending my sense of reality and imagination.

He is way up in my book this week!

Pat O'Brien (UP)
Sex fiend? Alcoholic? Coke? Whores? Good God, scratch what I said before! This Is my real Dad. Despite a poor showing on Dr. Phil, Pat discovered new fans that previously could not give a shit less about him.

Namely me.

Corey Clark (DOWN – if that is even possible since he had nowhere to fall from)
You had sex with Paul Abdul? Great. Who hasn’t? More appropriately, who gives a shit? This is what ABC wants to brand its news image with these days? Not only do I not watch American Idol, even if I did, it's not the fucking olympics, you know? This is meaningless. Literally. They dedicated an hour to something that most likely did not occur in the manner by witch it was reported about some broads’ steamy sexual promiscuity? Hey, ABC why don’t comb through my college years, you’ll uncover all kinds of crazy inappropriate affairs. Like that time I went home with the drunken and very married kindergarten teacher. She certainly did not produce any hits in the late 80’s but I think her substance abuse was on par with Paula’s and she did spend time with Emilo Estevez judging by her DVD collection which contained both Young Guns and Men at Work.

I mean, why not claim Clay Aiken got a piece of her too? Oh, yeah, right. Nevermind.

John Mason (DOWN)
This is the guy who’s top nacho took off before the wedding and left her husband to become the country’s next Scott Peterson. Why did he go down in my book? Because he took her back. Instantly. You can call it amazing forgiveness. I call it spectacular stupidity. If she was my fiancé she should have stayed gone, because after going through that I would kill her for real. This is in conjunction with the fact that I still can’t believe this guy or this story was leading news at all. Unless he also slept with Paula Abdul, in which case it is very important for some reason.

I suddenly feel the urge to runaway from my television.

Paris Hilton (breaks even steven)
She just traded one useless, trashy, arrogant barely passable as human, cum dumpster for another. You break even, Paris. This time.

Runway Models (UP)
Eastern European model whores have thrown down (or ‘thrown up’ depending on the model) the gauntlet at the tiny, bound feet of their Brazilian counter-parts.

“We have beautiful skin, beautiful faces, and the Brazilians are finished," some skinny beyotch named Euguenia Volodina had to say. Whatever.

What does this story matter? Nothing. At All. But, shit, if that other stuff passes as news why not this tory? Either way I smell a super hot cat fight a commin’.

Dave Chapelle (breaks even steven)
It was announced that DC‘s show is not going to premier as planned and is currently suspended with no date published. Regardless of the fact that my knuckles are raw from punching every asshole that says “Rick James Bitch", that guy is a brilliant and I hope his show appears shortly.

So, there you go. There is the news. Suck it dry. It’s good to the last drop.