Everynobody.com

. . . levels as some voice-over actor attempting to poorly imitate a young urban-youth (read black if you aren’t an advertising executive) when he was obviously so helplessly Caucasian it strained him to utter the inane expressions he was scripted to read. This advertisement was trying to explain some shitty car dealership’s sale of some sort (since they are always effin having a sale of some sort or another) and how the vehicles were ‘mad loaded!’ I was going kick the radio out of the dash and through the engine block, but I determined that this action would not be fair to the air conditioning unit which was serving me so nicely. No, instead, I turned off the radio and started to think about advertisements, and how much I effin' hate them. They are often ridiculous and useless, yet they seem to invisibly surround our daily lives with the suffocating Saran-wrap blanket that is ad driven media. So, here is a list of the ads that I hate the most and why:

Ad: Dentyne Ice
Reason I Hate It: Too far from reality to make sense.
Explanation: Sunken-cheeked, fish-looking friggin’ strangers all randomly kissing and blowing ice. Yes, that’s right. “Ice. Ice. Dentyne Ice.” This ad makes me want to tell them to “Suck. Suck. Suck it.” Every single one of those ads seems to be trying to outdo the previous on some sort of internal Dentyne Advertisement Scale of Retardedness. Like each ad is aspiring for the Dentyne ‘Corky Thatcher’ Ad of the Year Award. I don’t know about you, but I’m betting the one with the chiseled people making out and blowing friggin' ice everywhere will win this year.

Ad: Burger King
Reason I Hate It: WTF?!?!
Explanation: I have to ask the question. Did the upper-management at Burger King recently get replaced with some sort of peyote smoking hippy commune? I break into cold sweats and get nervous every time that creepy giant plastic King appears in an ad. Who the eff green-lighted this shit? I can see how the brain-storming session went right now:

“Ok, gang. We need to come up with a new idea to make people hungry for Burger King! Now there are no bad ideas, so, go!”

“Um, how about something to do with the King, since we are Burger King”

“K. Good. Let’s expand on that.”

“Hey, you know what would make me hungry? If we could somehow tie in a giant artificial stalking pedophile who just happens to look like the king. Doesn’t that sound yummy?”

“Brilliant!!”

Oh, and that one where the guy wakes up in his bed and this oversized head is just laying next to him, ostensibly licking his lips under that mask, never blinking once. Reminds me what not to do the next time I catch a woman’s glare in a bar next time.

Ad: Lamisil (toe nail medication)
Reason I Hate It: It’s totally disgusting.
Explanation: Ok, this is a advertisement with the little animated yellow-foot fungus devils running around explaining how they’re gonna mess your toe nails all up. Look, we all can relate to not wanting nasty broke-off toes. If a girl removed a shoe and displayed some yellow fungus infested talons, I would probably politely ask her to leave after totally publicly humiliating her and posted some images on the web. Nevertheless, when that little animated shit rips open the giant toes nail, I always have to shout aloud. I am never prepared to see a toe nail ripped off. Ever. Let alone while I am just trying to quietly enjoy some entertaining prime-time television before I switch it over to hard-corp pornography.

Ad: Verizon
Reason I Hate It: Stupid Dad Advertisement
Explanation: This is not really fair for me to single out Verizon because a lot of companies employ this method, but I hate it and this is the first one that comes to mind. This is the ad where all of the kids and the mom can comprehend the shared family minutes plan and Dad is just too fargin’ stupid he can’t wrap his mind around it. These ads drive me totally crazy, because they are generally an all black or all white family but always upper-middle class nuclear families. One girl, one boy, and a mom who appears like a Donna Reid home keeper. Awww. Isn’t that sweet? So, um, I was just wondering, uh, WHO THE Funk 'N Wagnalls IS PAYING FOR ALL OF THIS SHIT? Obviously, dad is pulling down some decent coin, since you kids all have cell phones and a lavish home. You think maybe your father isn’t totally retarded? Maybe he doesn’t have to act like a bumbling moron trying to buy a DVD at Best Buy? I would dare my family to treat me like that. I would give them all swift kick in the shins before collecting up all of their cell phones, while I explained that in addition to my cell I needed one for the bitches and one for the ho’s.

Ad: Any breakfast cereal ad
Reason I Hate It: It’s based off of ridiculous thievery
Explanation: Is anyone ever going to come up with an original idea to sell breakfast cereal ever? How come so many cereal ads are based upon someone trying to steal them? What is weird about the cereal thieving ads is, I never can quite figure out who I am supposed to side with. With Trix, should I feel sympathetic for the obviously dope-sick bunny, or am I supposed to root for the mob-mentality of the children ripping the sweet life force from the big-eared white junkie? Then they switch it on me with that little flaming green pederast leprechaun throwing out colorful shapes enticing young children to steal from him. Maybe that’s why some asshole stole my CD player out of car years ago. He just was following the learned behavior of “our products are so great, you should steal them!” At least Cookie Crisp just blatantly turns it into a “cops versus robbers” characterization, instead of using insanely addicted anthropomorphic characters, like that tiger, Tony. Speaking of which, the only thing Grrrrrrreat about that ad is when it’s over.

Ad:Anything with C&C Music Factory
Reason I Hate It: Because more music than this has been released since 1991.
Explanation: Um, did ad executives ever think that maybe they could work in a different jingle since the emergence of hip-hop in pop-culture? How come so many of these ads are still “chillin’ old school”? I’m sorry, but there is not a single thing that makes me go ‘hmmmmm’ in any product that I purchase from the grocery store.

* last but not least *
Ad: Gatorade & Propel
Reason I Hate It:YOU CAN’T MAKE WATER BETTER!!!!!!
Explanation: I have used Gatorade to recovery from many a hang-over, trust me. I don’t doubt its use for some things. I think I might even currently have a jug in the fridge at home, but it’s unlikely. I hate this advertisement campaign because of a single line.

“It’s got stuff in that water doesn’t”

Yeah, like sugar. In conjunction with the audacity of the Propel Fitness Water claim to have made water better, they have sent me over the edge. Ok, so let me get this straight. You took this substance that sustains all life on planet Earth and assisted in the establishment of millions of types of teeming life forms over millions of years of evolution and made it better by adding lemon flavor and some shitty vitamin extract? Reet. I mean, seriously, the balls on Gatorade must be giant, not just to make such a claim, but because propel tastes like testicle sweat regardless. I have an idea, why don’t you guys tag a title like “eXtreme” or “Edge” to something you invent from scratch and quit trying to bite Earth’s already time-tested style.