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. . . TJ Hooker: Nothing will light up a child’s eyes like the very young and seductive Heather Locklear portraying the role of Officer Stacy Sheridan. She looks like the stripper cop that my friends tried to order me in college sans the mustache and sideburns. Couple that with the extremely uncoordinated William Shatner in long drawn out running sequences and the horrifically untalented Adrian Zmed scrambling across car hoods and you have the recipe for pure Christmas Magic. What’s that? It’s not DVD yet? Eff you. I can’t hand feed you the perfect Christmas, you’ll have to do some of the leg work.

Good Bottle of Booze: Now, I’m not going to be so forward as to suggest the brand, flavor, and type of alcohol that makes Christmas perfect, but I will say that it had better be a good bottle. Splurge. Don’t buy that shit that gives you a hangover normally experienced only by anti-freeze drinking hobos and the Irish. Get the bottle that the liquor store keeps in the locked case, with the porno flicks and the Swisher-Sweet Ultras. Trust me. You’ll thank me later when your family suddenly becomes tolerable and you can finally say “I love you” and mean it. Sort of.

Rent the Movie Gummo: This one might be optional, depending on how much you like kids. I like children, but not when I’m watching television. They always want you to watch their shows but their shows suck ass now. When did every kids cartoon become Japanese? Anyways, rent the movie Gummo. The overt sexual innuendos, creepy kids in rabbit ears, and gratuitous shots of kids drowning stray-kittens will send the children out of the room. How does this make Christmas better, you ask? Trust me, watching this movie will suddenly make your life look much better by comparison, the same way that the late shift Denny’s waitresses can make the food look edible. Merry Christmas!

Invent a Fake Life Story: A large problem that a lot of people face when they go home for the holidays is the fact that their life is a dismal failure. If not that, it’s at least a flaming unsuccessful attempt at “making it”. Nothing is worse than going home and having to face your successful friends you have not seen in years, or prying family members that seem to love to see you be disappointed. I say, get your story straight now. Start with what sounds great you. It’s your imaginary life! You can be anything you want to be! Just like your parents lied to you about in your real life when you when you were a child. For women, competition is steep since girls are so effin hyper-critical of each other. So I would aim high and try for something like “Ballerina Gymnast Veterinarian Horseback-Riding Princess”. Failing that, “astronaut actress president basketball-playing magic fairy” should do the trick. For men, it’s a little easier. Just dress up your real life with fancy titles like, “booze therapist” or when asked what you do just out and out lie. “I’ve got a girlfriend, an apartment, a job and I’m sober.”

Plan-Out New Years: If you really want to have the perfect Christmas it’s as easy as acting busy the entire holiday planning out the perfect New Years Eve party. Ever notice that people who act extremely busy and fast walk from place to place at work never get effed with? I suggest you follow their lead and bring large rolls of schematics, pens and pencils, a protractor (for some reason), and one of those fancy graphing calculators with you this next Christmas. Spread it all out on a large table, wipe sweat from brow often, curse and exhale loudly, and play the song ‘Eye of the Tiger’ in a loop. Nobody will bother you and this will help you feel like you’re in a montage sequence and will soon be done with this ridiculous complex task of planning a New Year’s Eve party. Never mind the fact that the traditional American New Year’s Eve party consists of people drinking way too much and wearing large silly looking hats while milling around mindlessly. However, when the French do it, it’s called armed combat, I think.