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Everynobody.com

2 December 2004

One grey and rainy December day after a night of drinking and partying a few years ago, I awoke in the morning (well more like two o’clock in the afternoon) and discovered a few items of interest. First, the night previous, I must have determined it was a great idea to bring a plate of chicken wings with Bar-B-Q sauce to bed. Second, after quickly totaling the wadded bar-tab receipts from my jacket’s pocket in my head I concluded that purchasing groceries was going to have to be an unaffordable luxury for a while. Finally, I glanced at my cell phone and found 17 missed calls and several new voicemails.

One long, grey, and rainy December day after a night of drinking and partying a few years ago, I awoke in the morning (well more like two o’clock in the afternoon) and discovered a few items of interest. First, the night previous, I mus ...continued below

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Hello? Booze? Is that you? . . . continued

. . . t have determined it was a great idea to bring a plate of chicken wings with Bar-B-Q sauce to bed. Second, after quickly totaling the wadded bar-tab receipts from my jacket’s pocket in my head I concluded that purchasing groceries was going to have to be an unaffordable luxury for a while. Finally, I glanced at my cell phone and found 17 missed calls and several new voicemails.

hello booze?

The great mystery quickly became, "Why did so many people suddenly find it necessary to contact me and leave messages all of sudden?" Well, almost just as quickly, I knew the answer. I had spent the evening Drinking and Dialing. Very 0 percent awesome. I felt helpless. I knew I had called every ex-girlfriend I had every given the clap to (allegedly) and they were all responding back. As I listened to the messages they indubitably proved the hypothesis too:

"Hey, what time were we going to lunch today?"
"I’m sorry I didn’t answer, I miss you too."
"Do you really love me? Or was that just the alcohol talking?"
"Hey, asshole! The restraining order includes phone calls!"

Before cell phones, this was less likely to happen since we, as a boozing society, were never home. But what do we have now? Now, we have had to endure years of inebriated cell calls of epidemic proportions. The government has chosen to ignore the humility its drunk-dialing population has had to endure. I shudder to think of the empty "I love you" promises and those dangerous "Is your sister still single" type statements. Well, no more! The great folks of Australia's Virgin Mobile have invented a truly awesome way to combat this drunkard phone-callery!

You simply dial 333 plus the number you want turned-off, pay a small service fee, and you will be unable to converse with the blacklisted numbers until 6am the next day. Abso-effin-lutely 100% Awesome. This service is not available stateside yet, but the way the general public keeps drinking and dialing, the need for this product is undeniable here.

Sure, it may not help the many that were injured by the calls of the past, but we can honor their memories by ending drunk-dialing once and for all. Now who’s coming with me?!

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